Let’s start by saying that the Bleecker Street Bar is in no way, shape, or form a dive. It doesn’t wreak of spilled booze and puke and the bathrooms are so nice that irritating corporate chicks use them in gaggles without screaming or commiserating about just how wretched and disgusting there are. When you have vaguely business chicks hanging out after work, you’re going to have the bland dweebs that love them on hand also. Or is it the other way around? Either way, the point is, no self-respecting drunkard should ever set foot in Bleecker Street Bar unless it’s out of desperation. And desperate were Whitesnake and I tonight.

The two guys to the left were getting smashed with some drunk guy wearing this crazy-ass fake leather skeleton jacket. All the guy in the jacket kept saying was that he didn’t speak English. Didn’t stop him from pounding shots nor did it stop one of the guys from turning to me and complaining about “having to speak Spanish in this country.” What was weird was that the guy was probably in his mid-20s and, judging by the way he was dressed — stripey button-down shirt and khakis — seemingly doing okay for himself. Not the kind of guy you’d think would be aggravated about immigration. Yet he was.

As the Spanish-speaking guy passed out at the bar and had to be helped out after a solid 20 minutes or so of lying in his drool, the young Lou Dobbs clone continued his rant.

Behold Mason Dixon
Sans Goldman Sachs employeeIt wasn’t this empty when i was there
Another fanciful night out in New York City brought me to the Lower East Side. I went to two bars that definitely don’t qualify as dives, but were fun all the same. It was one of those […]

I’ve always believed the real way to distinguish a true dive from wanna-be dives is the bathroom. The bathroom in a dive should be in an absolute state of disrepair. Graffiti, broken toilets, leaking sinks, and a stench that causes one to question whether the bathroom is actually an open sewer are good signs that you’re boozing it up at a dive. Even better if dudes piss in a trough and chicks, well, don’t use the bathroom because it’s too disgusting.